We, as humans, know what we know. We also know what we don’t know. But there is a vast array of things out there that we don’t know, we don’t know.
Becoming a mother changed me.
I didn’t know I didn’t know that being a mother would be the worst thing I could ever do to myself.
I am now capable of unspeakable thoughts. My mind has opened up a corner of indescribable fury. The very thought of anyone hurting a child, especially my own, sends my heart to this dark, once unknown place of wrath. I find myself equally mortified and pleased with my new found abilities.
I have a never ending wealth of tears that bubble out of nowhere and fill oceans without breaking a sweat.
I can tap into a level of worry and anxiety that would intice the most veteran psychiatrists to dust off their research hats and sharpen their pencils.
I can experience fear so vivdly paralyzing that I can make my body go completely numb.
I didn’t know that I didn’t know what love is.
I didn’t know that I could fall in love with a person I had never met, never spoken to, never seen.
I didn’t know that I would be willing to die for someone I barely knew.
i didn’t know that I could be so vulnerable yet so brave for another person.
I didn’t know I didn’t know God
I didn’t know that God could teach me how to endure pain in such a painless way.
I didn’t know that God trusted me to be a care taker to one of His most precious gifts.
I didn’t know that God had guided me on a path so intricately woven with blessings and magick.
I didn’t know I didn’t know that I always wanted to be Lilys’ mother
I didn’t know it would be so natural and so easy to become an advcate for my child.
I didn’t know that I wouldn’t care about my child’s diagnosis.
I didn’t know that even in the worst moments, I would tell God thank you for letting me be this little girls mother.
I didn’t know I didn’t know about Down syndrome
I didn’t know that I could look at my daughter and not see Down syndrome.
I didn’t know I would feel lucky that my daughter ‘only has Down syndrome’.
I didn’t know I would forget she had Down syndrome.
Once you begin to learn the things that you didn’t know, you are forever altered, locked in a state of awareness that you can never truly turn away from. Since becoming a mother, I have awakened a whole new self and although I sometimes feel as though I live in a half-terrified state of mind, I can honestly say that my life is more vivd and whimsical and joyful than I could have imagined. Who knew?