DSAM Day 30: Stop It

Everyone has there own little list of things that irk them. Some call it their “Pet Peeve” list. James and I refer to ours as a “Stop It” list. Some items may surprise you!

” God only gives special kids to special parents.”

IMG_4705 What does this mean really? Who gets to define “special”?  Is the mother of a normal kid who is sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair, half starved because she forgot to eat in her worry for her son who was admitted to the hospital for a high fever- not special? Is the father who comes home from work and immediately seeks out his normal children to play with before reading them stories and staying up late to plan a fabulous family weekend – not special? We are not special.We are parents. Now that being said, I do think we are pretty awesome parents but no different than any other good parent.

They are such a pleasure.” “Those people are always a joy. “Your daughter is so cute, I just love them.”

Who exactly are they? Is this the same they as in “They are always watching you?” or maybe “They are gonna get you?” If anyone were to speak this way about a race of people, they would be considered racist. Our daughter is an individual, not a they. Unfortunately, such sweet compliments drown in very poor phrasing.

“Down syndrome is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

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 I have heard some parents express this sentiment. And while at first I was taken aback, I do believe I know what they are trying to say. My life has changed dramatically since becoming a mother, but becoming Lily’s mother has brought me opportunities that otherwise would not have existed. Opportunities of friendship, creativity, advocacy and confrontation. No, I do not believe that Down Syndrome is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and truth be told I would take it away or “cure” Lily from it in a heartbeat if I could. I do believe that having my children and my husband are the greatest things that have ever happened to me.

“She will do things in her own time.”

This statement gets thrown around quite a bit when people don’t know what to say or don’t feel like they can help. Although I understand that and yes it is always good to be given perspective, that is not at all what I need to hear. Of course all people will do things in their own time, however sometimes they need a little help. Sometimes the parent who is feeling guilty or inadequate because their child is delayed, needs a little help. This statement actually makes me feel even worse for worrying about it. What would be so much better here would be a statement of reassurance that I’m doing a good job and compassion for my feelings.

“I have to go deal with my children.”

We hear it all the time, “Sorry I have to go deal with my child.” or “How do I handle my child?” Excuse me? Take a quick moment and reflect on what you are saying. Children aren’t things that need ‘handling’ or to be ‘dealt with’. This is so disrespectful and degrading to our children. They are not property or a chore on a list, they are little human beings who are much more deserving than something one must ‘deal with’. We realize that many people don’t think about what they say, but perhaps they should. I imagine most adults would be mortified if they knew people thought of them as something they must ‘deal with.’

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“Staring at my children.”

We see you staring at our daughter, trying to figure out whats wrong with her. We see you staring at our son trying to figure out if there is anything wrong with him. Finally we see you staring at us. Sometimes you look at us with pity, sometimes with admiration and sometimes with embarassment. To you we simply say, Stop It! Our joyful presence should announce to you that we are approachable. Come say hello or move along please,

“How old is she?” “Oh”

Yeah… our daughter is smaller than yours. Our daughter is not abe to do all the things your child of the same age can do. We are fully aware of the difference between our children and are not entering a competition with you so please do not respond with such a sorrow filled exclamation. Do we look sorrowful? No.

“It’s okay, my child didn’t (walk/talk/dance/sing/snore/whatever else) until they were much older too.”

First problem: Maybe it is just us but this sounds like pity. Pity used to be a wonderful expression of sympathy but in todays world it has taken on a whole different tone. Being pitied evokes immediate irritation and sometimes anger. For us, we just don’t get it. Why pity us? We are one of the more blessed familes we know. Second problem: It is NOT the same. I am sorry but it’s not and it’s okay that it’s not the same. We don’t have to walk the same path to show one another empathy. Please stop comparing your typical child to mine.

“You can’t make them do it.”

What does this comment want from us? We are intelligent enough to understand that you cannot make someone do something they either do not want or cannot do. Was this even up for debate? Are you telling us this because you feared we had forgotten this concept? You are right, you can’t make them do it. But you can help motivate them, influence them, give them the confidence they need and so on and so on.. If you truly are wanting to help, then a different, more thoughtful response would be greatly appreciated.

So there you all go, our Stop It list!  This was an interesting write – I hope this post finds you in good humor. If it doesn’t then may we suggest you just Stop It! Lol 🙂

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