Lily’s Land of Oz

My husband and I may have waited a very long time to have children, but we are catching up fast! Join in the fun & follies of raising two kids under two!

by

DSAM Day 26: What I didn’t know I didn’t know

We, as humans, know what we know. We also know what we don’t know. But there is a vast array of things out there that we don’t know, we don’t know.

DSCF0035 

Becoming a mother changed me. 

I didn’t know I didn’t know that being a mother would be the worst thing I could ever do to myself.

I am now capable of unspeakable thoughts. My mind has opened up a corner of indescribable fury. The very thought of anyone hurting a child, especially my own, sends my heart to this dark, once unknown place of wrath. I find myself equally mortified and pleased with my new found abilities. 

I have a never ending wealth of tears that bubble out of nowhere and fill oceans without breaking a sweat.

I can tap into a level of worry and anxiety that would intice the most veteran psychiatrists to dust off their research hats and sharpen their pencils.

I can experience fear so vivdly paralyzing that I can make my body go completely numb.

I didn’t know that I didn’t know what love is.

I didn’t know that I could fall in love with a person I had never met, never spoken to, never seen.

I didn’t know that I would be willing to die for someone I barely knew.

i didn’t know that I could be so vulnerable yet so brave for another person.

721

I didn’t know I didn’t know God

I didn’t know that God could teach me how to endure pain in such a painless way.

I didn’t know that God trusted me to be a care taker to one of His most precious gifts.

I didn’t know that God had guided me on a path so intricately woven with blessings and magick.

I didn’t know I didn’t know that I always wanted to be Lilys’ mother

I didn’t know it would be so natural and so easy to become an advcate for my child.

I didn’t know that I wouldn’t care about my child’s diagnosis.

I didn’t know that even in the worst moments, I would tell God thank you for letting me be this little girls mother.

_MG_0092

I didn’t know I didn’t know about Down syndrome

I didn’t know that I could look at my daughter and not see Down syndrome.

I didn’t know I would feel lucky that my daughter ‘only has Down syndrome’.

I didn’t know I would forget she had Down syndrome.

Once you begin to learn the things that you didn’t know, you are forever altered, locked in a state of awareness that you can never truly turn away from. Since becoming a mother, I have awakened a whole new self and although I sometimes feel as though I live in a half-terrified state of mind, I can honestly say that my life is more vivd and whimsical and joyful than I could have imagined. Who knew?

19

Advertisement
by

DSAM Day 30: Stop It

Everyone has there own little list of things that irk them. Some call it their “Pet Peeve” list. James and I refer to ours as a “Stop It” list. Some items may surprise you!

” God only gives special kids to special parents.”

IMG_4705 What does this mean really? Who gets to define “special”?  Is the mother of a normal kid who is sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair, half starved because she forgot to eat in her worry for her son who was admitted to the hospital for a high fever- not special? Is the father who comes home from work and immediately seeks out his normal children to play with before reading them stories and staying up late to plan a fabulous family weekend – not special? We are not special.We are parents. Now that being said, I do think we are pretty awesome parents but no different than any other good parent.

“They are such a pleasure.” “Those people are always a joy. “Your daughter is so cute, I just love them.”

Who exactly are they? Is this the same they as in “They are always watching you?” or maybe “They are gonna get you?” If anyone were to speak this way about a race of people, they would be considered racist. Our daughter is an individual, not a they. Unfortunately, such sweet compliments drown in very poor phrasing.

“Down syndrome is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

IMG_4912

 I have heard some parents express this sentiment. And while at first I was taken aback, I do believe I know what they are trying to say. My life has changed dramatically since becoming a mother, but becoming Lily’s mother has brought me opportunities that otherwise would not have existed. Opportunities of friendship, creativity, advocacy and confrontation. No, I do not believe that Down Syndrome is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and truth be told I would take it away or “cure” Lily from it in a heartbeat if I could. I do believe that having my children and my husband are the greatest things that have ever happened to me.

“She will do things in her own time.”

This statement gets thrown around quite a bit when people don’t know what to say or don’t feel like they can help. Although I understand that and yes it is always good to be given perspective, that is not at all what I need to hear. Of course all people will do things in their own time, however sometimes they need a little help. Sometimes the parent who is feeling guilty or inadequate because their child is delayed, needs a little help. This statement actually makes me feel even worse for worrying about it. What would be so much better here would be a statement of reassurance that I’m doing a good job and compassion for my feelings.

“I have to go deal with my children.”

We hear it all the time, “Sorry I have to go deal with my child.” or “How do I handle my child?” Excuse me? Take a quick moment and reflect on what you are saying. Children aren’t things that need ‘handling’ or to be ‘dealt with’. This is so disrespectful and degrading to our children. They are not property or a chore on a list, they are little human beings who are much more deserving than something one must ‘deal with’. We realize that many people don’t think about what they say, but perhaps they should. I imagine most adults would be mortified if they knew people thought of them as something they must ‘deal with.’

IMG_5200

“Staring at my children.”

We see you staring at our daughter, trying to figure out whats wrong with her. We see you staring at our son trying to figure out if there is anything wrong with him. Finally we see you staring at us. Sometimes you look at us with pity, sometimes with admiration and sometimes with embarassment. To you we simply say, Stop It! Our joyful presence should announce to you that we are approachable. Come say hello or move along please,

“How old is she?” “Oh”

Yeah… our daughter is smaller than yours. Our daughter is not abe to do all the things your child of the same age can do. We are fully aware of the difference between our children and are not entering a competition with you so please do not respond with such a sorrow filled exclamation. Do we look sorrowful? No.

“It’s okay, my child didn’t (walk/talk/dance/sing/snore/whatever else) until they were much older too.”

First problem: Maybe it is just us but this sounds like pity. Pity used to be a wonderful expression of sympathy but in todays world it has taken on a whole different tone. Being pitied evokes immediate irritation and sometimes anger. For us, we just don’t get it. Why pity us? We are one of the more blessed familes we know. Second problem: It is NOT the same. I am sorry but it’s not and it’s okay that it’s not the same. We don’t have to walk the same path to show one another empathy. Please stop comparing your typical child to mine.

“You can’t make them do it.”

What does this comment want from us? We are intelligent enough to understand that you cannot make someone do something they either do not want or cannot do. Was this even up for debate? Are you telling us this because you feared we had forgotten this concept? You are right, you can’t make them do it. But you can help motivate them, influence them, give them the confidence they need and so on and so on.. If you truly are wanting to help, then a different, more thoughtful response would be greatly appreciated.

So there you all go, our Stop It list!  This was an interesting write – I hope this post finds you in good humor. If it doesn’t then may we suggest you just Stop It! Lol 🙂

IMG_5069

by

DSAM Day 25: My Little Bossy Cow

One of the moments I have been looking most forward to since learning I would be a mom is pretend play. Playing dolls, cars, puzzles, little made up games…oh yeah bring it on!

Lily first started what her therapist called pretend play when she was about 10 months old. She began learning to roll a ball back and forth to me. Then quickly escalated to putting shapes in the slots, moving fisher price guys around, placing the farm animals into the different pens and barns and of course initating a rousing game of peek a boo! Now she mothers her baby, completes puzzles, reads books to her brother, and drives her cars around – she has even drove one of her guys around on one of her cars!

993

What I didn’t expect (or rather didn’t think of) would be that with pretend play also comes a level of attitude and bossiness that is quite impressive (and incredibly daunting at times). Lily is very opinionated and very independent. Only Lily knows the correct way to play and for exactly how long.

1218

Man this child has an amazing attention span- she can play a game until you find yourself thinking about offering her anything, even chocolate, just to re-direct her. I mean really, how long can one possibly play the upside down game or chase? I have played patty cake and itsy bitsy spider until my hands ached! LOL!

916

And holy smokes- you better play the right way or else you risk being corrected or rather huffed at. The cow goes in the barn not the stall!! The blonde guy rides on the red car- get it right mom! The giraffe walks sideways while the elephant lays down. Don’t touch that one! Aaaaagh!! Look with your eyes mom, not your hands. No, I want BOTH cars. And so on and so on and so on…. 🙂

330

So yes, I have a little bossy cow on my hands and as frustrating and tiresome as it can be, I know that every second of this, proves to me that my little girl is growing cognitively! Since cognitive delays are pretty much a guarantee with Down syndrome, I often wonder what that will look like. When will the delays reflect retardation? What exactly IS retardation? Honestly I do not know- I fear, I worry, I ponder but I do not know.

What I do know is that my Lily is a typical acting almost 2 year old that strives for her independence, gets frustrated when things don’t go her way and has a teensy weensy (okay maybe huge) case of bossy cow syndrome!

425

by

DSAM Day 24: Becoming a Big Sister

November 2, 2012:

In the midst of closing on our very first home, moving out of my grandmothers’ home and getting used to a pre-toddler who can crawl everywhere…..I had lost track of my cycle and realized with a heart thumping moment that I was 2 days late..

2 days late equaled 4 weeks pregnant with baby #2! Lulu was gonna be a big sister!!

 Now, of course she had no idea what I was telling her but was laughing and smiling right along with me.

241

As the first trimester set in, so did the fatigue and sickness. Lily seemed to enjoy the extra snuggle time she was getting as I began to cuddle up with her and take our daily naps together.

IMG_1243

The second trimester brought the baby bump and another oportunity to share the news with Lily. Little did Ozzy know, but at only 20 weeks gestational age, he was already teaching his big sis things. She learned “belly” by lifting up my shirt and playing with my obnoxious looking navel and patting my enormous tummy. At this time I began to use the word “brother”. And soon Lily was proudly pointing to, patting and even hugging my belly every time I asked her, “Where is your brother?”

265

But as the weeks flew by I began to wonder, how do I prepare a 1 year old for a new sibling?

IMG_1442

Taking some advice from Lily’s various therapists, I bought Lily a baby doll. (This was a big deal to me because I am secretly a little afraid of baby dolls- let’s just say I have a little paranormal trauma history involving dolls I still need to work through!) After picking out a baby doll that was small enough for Lily to be able to carry and not too creepy looking, I presented Lily with her first baby. She LOVED it! For about a month….then she was over it and on to other activities. So I began to use the doll to represent having a baby in my arms while playing with Lily. I also had Lily practice waiting for things and even delayed my response to her in attempt to simulate what I guessed it would be like for her while I was changing Oz, nuring Oz, etc.

Towards the end of my third trimester, we were both sick of the belly. I began to be physically incapable of playing on the floor with Lily anymore, I was too big to cuddle with her on the couch, I was in a lot of pain and was very tired. The energy in the home was thick with anticpation and everyone felt it. Lily began acting out a little- she would get frustrated with me and sometimes prefer to play with daddy over me. Her emotions intensified and she began whining and fake crying followed also by real crying sometimes.

430 (2)

The long awaited, blissful moment arrived and little Oz joined the world and our family. While waiting to meet my son, lying on the operating table, I had a terrifying thought- What if I have totally screwed over Lily by having another child?

1186144_10202071598534661_2079771021_n

I know, I know, it was a little late, lol! But the truth was and is: Yes, yes I did screw her over a little bit. She will no longer reign as the end all be all in the house, she will now find herself having to share everything she knows and holds dear. Of course she will also now have a little brother to play with, confide in, gather support from, and love.

The night Oz was born, James and I decided to have Lily come up to the hospital to meet him right away. You see, when I left our home, Lily stayed behind with my grandmother (Gma)- I was in pain and hadn’t felt well all day so I know Lily was worried. Also, I had never spent even one night away from my little girl and was very nervous about how she would handle it. My mother, brother and step-father brought Lily up to the hospital.

I made sure that I wasn’t holding Oz when Lily first entered my recovery room. I knew I probably looked funny with all the wires and hospital bed and noises. I knew Lily would probably have some memory of her time spent in the hospital when she had pnemonia and the multiple blood tests and other medical treatments she has endured. I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel when I first laid eyes on her- I wanted to grab her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and how that although our lives have changed, my love for her has not. The look in her eyes when she saw me, made me sad. She was nervous, unsettled. I made them set her in bed with me and we hugged and kissed. Then I began to talk to her about her little brother and how mommy was fine. I was so overjoyed to have both of my children with me that it proved difficult to hold back tears.

My mother was holding Oz when Lily first laid eyes on him. Her eyes lit up and she smiled a smile that made most of my worries dissipate. However as soon as she saw daddy holding Oz and then me- her expression changed to one of concern. It was almost as if she said “Hmmmm….I don’t know about this….”

659  691

I missed her terribly while I was at the hospital but enjoyed getting to know my little man and rest up before the realities of being a mommy of two came at me full force. Oz and I came home on Sunday. Daddy and Lily picked us up and on the drive home, Lily began to break down. The rest of that day was filled with tears. It was like all of the emotional stress the last few days had been for her suddenly poured out of her. I empathized with her as it had been so hard on me to be away from her.

879

After that one day, Lily was ready to explore her new role as a big sister! To this day she gets more and more amazing- she gives Oz his pacifier, wipes his mouth, pats his back, gives him hugs and kisses, even rocks him in his carseat and holds up toys for him to see!

She has re-discovered her baby doll now too- she mimics my mothering and I must say she is a very good mommy! Since Oz has been born she has re-discovered boobies! She knows where hers are and will nurse her baby doll when I nurse Oz. Sometimes she brings her baby to me to nurse and when she gets upset she will lay her face on my boob (not entirely sure what to do after that – because she doesn’t remember nursing). All in all it has been so touching and heart warming to see both of my children loving one another.

IMG_5167    860  IMG_5087  IMG_4719

Some people question whether or not it is fair to the other siblings in the house when you have a child with special needs. I have even heard people suggest maybe I should refrain from having more children because they wouldn’t get as much attention as Lily because she is special needs and will be more time consuming. To them I cry BULLSHIT.

I realize I am blessed because Lily has no major medical problems. It is true, medical problems take up a lot of time, time away from everything else in your life. But so do newborns….

The arguement that a child with special needs will take precedent over everyone else in the house and therefore take away from other children is probably a more subjective discussion.

In our household, having Lily has made James and I a much stronger couple and much closer. Lily does not take away from our relationship any more than having any child would. Now we have only been a family of 4 for a few months now but currently, Oz is at a stage of much higher maintenance than Lily- he has higher needs and therefore tends to dominate activities right now. But that will change….and then change back….and so on and so forth. See, it remains my belief that when parents choose to add another child to their family, at any given time one child may tip the balance to them.

I do believe that a child with Down syndrome benefits greatly from a having a sibling. The instinctual need to compete for resources is strong in siblings and can serve as an excellent motivator for them to keep trying, keep going. Oz will help motivate Lily to learn and try new things – maybe she won’t be as delayed? and in turn she will inspire him. Of course they will also drive each other crazy and argue and all of the other ‘fun’ stuff that goes with having a sibling (especially close in age).

IMG_4753

Oz loves Lily- he lights up whenever she comes near him. His first laugh was because of her. He will be different because of Lily. He will have advantages others do not, He will know pure joy, pure love. He will have empathy and sensitivity and tolerance. He won’t  have to learn this when he gets older, he will BE this as he grows up. I am not saying he won’t struggle – the first time some kid calls his sister a name or whenever he hears the word ‘retarded’ his heart may break a little. So yes, his journey may be a little different because of his sister, because of Down syndrome but it will still be his journey, his life.

I believe one of the best gifts I can give my children is one another. And who knows? We may just sprinkle in another sibling in the future to add to the joy of our little family!

IMG_4872

by

DSAM Day 23: Inked!

Life changing events inspire people. Some write, some create music, others create art, and some- Get Inked!

I will start by saying that I love tattoos. I love them for me and I love them for my husband. If I had no other financial obligations, I would have several tattoos. But for now, I have 3. My tattoos all have a spiritual meaning but only one truly makes me feel connected to God, to the Universe.

Three years ago I would have never even begun to imagine where I sit in my life today. Three years ago, I devoted my days to caring for non human primates and my evenings to dogs and families in need of training. Three years ago I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. Three years ago James and I finally felt ‘ready’ to start a family. Three years can be both an eternity and a flash. Although I do not feel like a different person, I sometimes look at my life from an observer’s point of view and feel as though I am indeed watching a movie about someone else.

I have witnessed more miracles and had increasingly more intricate roles to play in the universal design then ever in my life- all in the last three years.

I have been humbled by the power of humanity as well as the power of prayer. I have known true angels that walk this earth. I have a much deeper connection to Mother Earth which has given me such a profound understanding and respect for life. All life. Life itself has become so much more important to me now.

I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to celebrate the catalyst for all of these events…..you guessed it, that would be Lily!

Celebration = Tattoo 🙂

I decided thoughtfully on what tattoo would best express Lily. A flower, (of course this would be a Lilly), and a portrait of her hand, palm up.

Why her hand?

Simple. Lily’s hand has a dual meaning- symbolizing both her birth and her extra chromosome. I am not a fan of t-shirts and bumper stickers and all the other fanfare on Down syndrome. I do not feel celebratory about Down syndrome. I do not feel it is what makes Lily who she is- to quote my husband here, “Down syndrome is not a personality trait, it’s a barrier for my daughter.” That being said, I am an advocate for people with Down syndrome and most importantly for Lily,

Some people with DS have a single crease on the palm of their hand instead of 3 creases. This is called a Simian or Palmer’s crease. Although it is relatively meaningless medically speaking, it does represent Down syndrome for me because Lily has this crease.

A carefully chosen artist, a xeroxed copy of Lily’s exact hand print and two hours of pain later-my tribute tattoo for Lily and all the miracles her arrival has opened my eyes to:

photo

Lily,

I love you with all my being, all my soul. My love has no depth for it is beyond measurement, time, and space. Although one day you will venture off on your own, I carry you with me always as we shall journey together through this life.

Love,

Mom

by

DSAM Day 22: Hemming Pants

I saw a meme the other day that said,

“Hell yes I am short! God stops when his creation is perfect and I just didn’t take as long!”

I read somewhere that the average height for men with Down syndrome is 5’1 and for women is 4’9!  So what does this mean to me right now?

I am hemming pants!

LOL! Lily is now wearing 24 month pants (well at least her waist and hips are!) The trouble is, her little legs are shorter than the average 24 month old! So this mama is dusting off her sewing machine and learning the art of the hem line!

The biggest drawback here is I have to be careful not to buy pants with decorative hems on the pant legs because I don’t know how to hem those yet!

All of that aside, I am so happy she is growing healthy and strong!

401

by

DSAM Day 21: Skipping Happily Along……in Mud

Every year, one of the biggest fundraisers for Down syndrome awareness is held- The Buddy Walk.

Teams are formed, money is raised and everyone comes to together to walk around a small track- all in the name of the one they love and support, who has Down syndrome. Before Lily I had never heard of the Buddy Walk. Now it is an event I both look forward to and dread.



564081_441624739276981_1664259871_n

1377144_441624689276986_2021350759_n

Our team, The Lily Lu Whos is filled with some of the most amazing and inspiring people I know. Ranging from close family to friends both old and new, a whole bunch of people drop everything for one afternoon and focus all of their energy and attention on one very special little girl. As the mother of that little girl, it makes my heart soar that so many have so much love for her.

1395119_441624619276993_876556386_n

At this years’ Buddy Walk,  I was an organized disaster but managed to get us there with our flag flying high (or trying to sail away when the wind hit it!) As I took a moment to soak up how many people showed up for us and glanced at each of their smiling faces, I felt so very blessed…..and so very sad.

For me, Buddy Walk is also a glaring reminder that Lily has a disablilty. A disability that will alter the course of her life in a less than glamerous way.  Getting lost in your child’s every day triumphs and discoveries makes for placing the uncertain future and struggles far from your mind somewhat easy. As Lily edges further and further away from being a baby, she also grows miles and miles behind her peers. Her delays are becoming more apparant and although she will catch up on her motor skills, I know that this is just the beginning.

When you first learn that your child has Down syndrome, you hear the words, “high functioning” and “low functioning”. I understand this to be in reference to intelligence. Doctors and genetists cannot predict whether or not your child will be high or low functioning. When Lily was an infant I would look into her eyes and see a sparkling soul filled with a wisdom I knew nothing of but was certain I could learn. As I gaze into her eyes now, I see intelligence. I see cleverness. I see a connection with the world around her. But do I see high or low functioning? I don’t know. My own eagerness to learn has begun to be pocketed with worry.

In searching for clarity in my muddled thoughts, I realize, I am afraid. I am afraid of low functioning. What will that be like? I am afraid of high functioning. What will that mean? I know that regardless of high and low cognitive abilities, school will be hard (at least for me). Things I was once feeling so secure about I can no longer grasp.

Buddy Walk for me, is a little like skipping happily along…in mud.

There is so much joy and celebration with family and friends, food and fun but there is also a heavy reality waiting in the near future.

IMG_5307

Today my daughter walked through the finish line for the very first time and received her medal. As I helped her across, tears flooded my eyes. She was so proud of herself. She walked with pride and joy and although she still needed my help to do it, she beamed with accomplishment. Her team cheering her on, she walked until her legs grew tired.

1383956_441624935943628_1602888486_n  988738_441624955943626_1537766995_n  1383865_441625049276950_2089872247_n

As we all took turns scooping her up and lavishing her with affection, I took a look around. There were cheerleaders cheering , Ronald McDonald handing out medals, hundreds of people cheering and clapping and exclaiming good job! I couldn’t help but wonder what happens when Lily gets too old for all of this exaggerated fanfare?

Alas, I cannot skip to the end of this book to search for a reassuring sentence that will alleviate my own anxiety … nor would I want to so carelessly rush through the chapters of Lily’s book. We are on a journey together and although there are more and more times I find myself afraid, I never want to miss a moment.

1377173_441625169276938_1804340258_n

by

DSAM Day 20: Don’t Eat That! It Might be Poison!

Lily used to be a wonderful eater…until she became a toddler and now she reacts like we are poisoning her!

When Lily was 3 months old, we learned that because of her low tone (on the inside), she was aspirating my breast milk into her lungs. She also was diagnosed with acid reflux. We had to add a thickening agent to her milk (which meant I could no longer breast feed but had to exclusively pump) 😦 and she began medication to treat the reflux. Both of these issues would begin to resolve as she got older, stronger and bigger.

Beautiful Nurser

At 6 months old she had her very first bite of food- PEAS! After that bite, a whole new world had opened up for her and she eagerly stepped into it. She enjoyed all flavors of food….

IMAG1143  IMAG1597

….with the exception of squash- not a fan of squash.

  IMG_1468

With her first birthday came the extinction of bottles and baby food. My big girl was now drinking whole milk from a straw cup and eating table foods along with us. How exciting! She was really turning into a little girl now.

488   413

Still not a fan of squash.

202

At about 18 months, she learned she could spit out her food. Even more fun, she learned if she spit it out on the floor then Molly would eat it. Much to her amusement and my dismay, a new game was invented! She also began to throw her sippy cups to the floor (spilling them- even the spill proof ones spill!)

Just when we our teachings of “set it down” were taking effect and the random flying of objects ceased- she decided that she was ready to be INDEPENDENT.

Now it is a HUGE cognitive development when toddlers begin throwing tantrums and want to do things their way. So as much I am thrilled that Lily is experiencing this, I want to run to the nearest island for a break!

Here is her progression with eating: First she refused all food the first, second and third time. This included yelling, turning her body around and even trying to run away (when she was not in her chair). Next she began sniffing and licking her food first (testing to make sure we aren’t trying to poison her)  Then she would only eat food placed exactly where she wanted it and had to feed herself.

So we introduced utensils. Now she had been introduced to a spoon and fork before but this time was different. This time she learned how to use them! She loves her fork! She has mastered the art of stabbing items with her fork and makes it to her mouth every time. Next came the spoon, she did amazing with the spoon- I was so proud of her!

Before my eyes my little girl just grew up a little more. I forsee many more food messes, meltdowns and hunger strikes in our immediate future but she is on the right path to feeding herself and my eyes rain with joy!

photo 5  photo 1 (1)

Now the important Down Syndrome Awareness Month (DSAM) message for the day is this:

Lily is just like every other toddler! Lol. She strives to be independent, is demanding, yells when she gets frustrated, and makes huge messes when eating. Yes, its true she must work harder to eat due to the lower tone of the mouth muscles and sometimes gets lazy with chewing but she is more alike than different ❤

052

by

Welcome to Oz

27926_4960739699457_495057864_n

 

When my daughter was 6 months old, we began planning for our second child. Because of how long it took to get pregnant before, we thought we should start early just in case. Turns out that the rumors are true- you are much more fertile the second time around- it only took 3 months to fall pregnant with baby #2!

I found out I was pregnant 5 days before we moved into our first house, we were so glad we chose to buy the 3 bedroom instead of the 2 bedroom! As James skipped out of town on business, I, once again, was left to move all of our stuff while pregnant. (I am not a fan of this trend and will have make sure to break it when baby #3 is on board).

They say no pregnancy is ever the same- not between you and your friends and not even between your first and your second. I found this to be true. My pregnancy with Lily was pretty easy physically but hard emotionally. This time proved the opposite.

Everything seemed to happen much sooner this time around, the fatigue, the sickness, various pains and even the baby bump! Although I entered into this pregnancy with much greater confidence than my last one, I still became petrified before each dr appointment. Will they find the heartbeat? Is the baby growing?

A truly miraculous thing occurs when you are busy chasing around a 1 year old, time passes by quickly.

Before I knew it, I was out of the first trimester and speeding head long into the second. When I first became pregnant, the burning question from every one was if we would do the testing for chromosomal disorders. As you remember, we didn’t with Lily. Since Lily has Down syndrome, our risk for having another child with DS automatically goes up to 1/100.

315

This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me though. The type of Down syndrome that Lily has, is not hereditary. So why then are my odds automatically increased? Regardless, we chose to decline testing this time around too.

Our 20 week ultrasound was a huge marker for us. This is the day we not only find out the gender of our baby but if there is anything noticeably wrong. This was the ultrasound that changed our lives forever just a little over a year ago. And I had to brave it alone.

The first thing I did was inform the ultrasound tech that I have a daughter with DS and we had so many troublesome ultrasounds with her, that I am a PRO at reading the face of the tech. So please be upfront and honest with me, if you see anything wrong. She must have liked my candidness because she had no problem with what I said and was very explanatory during the entire ultrasound.

Including the part where she said, “Hmmmm hang on a minute.” and “He has a shadow at the base of his spine.”

You have to be kidding me. Whaaat??

I was then referred for a high definition ultrasound. Before I left my ultrasound, I spoke with my dr. he reassured me that he didn’t believe it was anything but wanted to be sure. Although I was inclined to believe him, I still traveled home with a heavy heart.

I revisited some similar thoughts I had from a year ago- only this time it was different. This time I knew that things were not always as they appeared and that through the fear of the unknown lies an incredible blessing.

That evening was not a depressing one, quite the opposite! I had the tech put the gender of our baby in an envelope so that James and I could learn about him/her together. So at dinner, we gave the envelope to Lily, to open.

231

The anticipation was mounting as Lily tore open the envelope. Did we want a girl or a boy? A brother or a sister? I thought at first another little girl would be better because sisters close in age could be close and fun. I also thought that having a boy would be so exciting.

As the little piece of paper appeared from inside the envelope, James smiled big and said “BOY!”.

My heart soared with excitement. I was going to have a son! A little boy to fit in so perfectly with our daughter. It was at this moment I began to really bond with the little soul growing inside me. He had an identity. He was my baby boy!

The next week brought the high definition ultrasound. This time I was joined by James and Lily. James and I shared an all too familiar look of love, fear and faith as I laid on the table.
And suddenly there he was, my son. He waved and looked at us, his picture crystal clear. Despite the anticipation, my heart filled with love and warmth. Even Lily smiled at the monitor!

086

The ultrasound tech spoke easily with us and as she referenced his spine, she said “I see nothing abnormal.” Since the picture was so clear, neither did I. Flooded with relief and gratitude, I finally felt enjoyment receiving an ultrasound.

At 27 weeks, I was wheeled to labor and delivery to get checked out as I was having contractions. I was nervous because I didn’t know I was in labor with Lily and her heart rate was plummeting with each contraction. Would it be the same with my son? Is he okay? I could feel him moving. After being hooked up to the monitors, they validated that I was in fact, having regular contractions but I was not in labor. More importantly, my son was just fine! I got to home just a couple hours later.

The rest of the pregnancy became filled with strong kicking, lots of weight gain 😦 and massive hip pain! Once I hit 36 weeks, I celebrated. I had now made it farther than i did with Lily! I may actually make it to full term!

157

I began to get excited as I assumed I would go into labor any day now. I didn’t believe I could carry to term even though I wanted too. Soon my excitement faded as I entered into my 38th week. Now I began to understand why so many of my mommy friends would exclaim that they were done being pregnant!

624

Just when I thought my belly couldn’t stretch any farther and my hips couldn’t handle the pain any longer, I woke up in labor.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013 I woke up a mother of one and a family of three and went to bed a mother of two and a family of four.

Labor still eludes me a little bit- my contractions are so different than what I thought they would be and I have learned twice now to follow my gut on whether or not I am in labor. I simply felt sick and crampy. I had my grandmother come over to help with Lily and James left work early to take me to the hospital.

I was scheduled to have a repeat c-section on Friday, July 5. I figured I was probably only in early labor and they would send me home to wait til Friday. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and here is yet another example: No one showed any record of my scheduled c-section. Somehow, although planned back in April, it never made it to their books. Let me just say here, that I found it very strange to “plan” my child’s birthday. This is something one is asked to do when having a schedued cesearan, I learned. After waiting a couple of hours for my dr, he appeared and said that since I am in labor, would I like to go ahead and have this baby tonight?

Um….yeah! Although I was only 39 weeks on the dot, I was so over being pregnant.  Since my son was doing fine and not in any distress, everything moved at a much calmer pace than with my daughter. I chose 6pm as a good time to deliver. This gave me a little over an hour to mentally and emotionally prepare to meet my little boy. Or so I thought….since Lily was an emergency, I didn’t notice all the prep work that was neededbefore surgery. I was moved to my room where the anastethiologist came and hung out with me. She was very sweet and comforting. My nurses came and went, placing my IVs, bringing in the baby’s stuff, shaving me (soooo uncomfortable and awkward!) and even bringing me a charger for my phone! Then it was time to go to the OR. But wait a minute, I hadn’t had time to prepare!

I thought that I wouldn’t have any anxiety this time around. After all I had been through this before and this time was so much calmer and relaxed. But surgery is surgery and I soon found myself shaking and wanting to run away. I told the anastsiologist that I was starting to panic. She handled my anxiety so well. After she administered my spinal and laid me down, I finally got to see the one face that would hold me together, James. And it was his face and the touch of his hand that prevented another anxiety attack when my blood pressure dropped and the meds made it difficult to breathe for a minute.

After a small eternity, the surgeon told the nurses to lower my drape and told me to peer over. I had every intention of looking at myself cut open (the biologist in me couldn’t resist the opportunity) but my thought was interupted by an abrupt cry. As I gazed over my drape, I laid eyes on my son. I am incapable of depicting my feelings in that moment. They were so much beyond joy and love. He was huge! And he had lots of brown hair! I wanted to reach out and grab him and hold him close. It was like seeing a piece of my heart manifested outside my body and wow! I mean wow!!

007010

Very shortly afterward, James brought him over to me and I got to touch him and kiss him. Since there was no rush to hurry him off, I soaked up the moment. Then James took him out the door to wait for me while I was being put back together. Finally after what felt like forever, I was wheeled into my room where my husband and son were waiting for me. I immediately put him to my breast and he nursed like a champ!

He was here. He made it. He was healthy and beautiful and he was mine!

721